Why I am Giving Up Love to Be Healthy

I have shared many times my up and down relationship with my daughter's father and how our last break up was just horrible. This was almost eight years of stress and hurt that I couldn't take anymore. After the break up earlier this year, it took me a long time to get myself together. You spend so many years with someone who at some point did make you happy to having to let that person go because the relationship has become toxic. It was very hard to accept that I was better off without him even though I still loved him.

After finally collecting myself and picking up the pieces I was more than ready to get out there and begin dating again and I really didn't have an issue meeting men. My issue was more so of the men I had met. Now after all these years of drama I have a pretty clear cut picture of what I want in my future mate and what I will and will not put up with. Needless to say I found I had to cut more men off than I thought I would do to many reasons that I did not want to deal with.

Recycling Relationships....Should You Give an Old Boo Another Chance

We all have that one boo that we give multiple chances before we cut him off for good. That's even if we end up cutting him off for good. I have had an off and on again relationship but not really a relationship with this guy for almost ten years. In all honesty I don't even know why it lasted that long.

I pretty much used him as a void to fill space and time while I was in between more serious relationships. I met him when he starting working at my job in about 2005 and I was 19. We were instantly friends but nothing more since he was married at the time. Fast forward to 2008 after I returned back to my home town from living in another state and the birth of my daughter. Me and my daughter's dad was broken up and one night at the club guess who I run into....My old buddy. We instantly hit if off like I never left and since he was no longer married I had no problem with our friendship moving to the next level.

That next level was us just having a good time with each other, nothing too serious, but he definitely had my attention. That was until I was wooed by my daughter's dad and dropped my little boo like a bad habit LOL. Now lets fast forward another year or so to the birth of my twins and eventually ended the relationship with my kids father AGAIN...(smh I know). Who did I run back too...my old boo. He was my rebound guy, my I'm bored guy, my I need love and affection guy, my I just want a serious and good relationship guy. I thought because we never had issues that he could possibly be the man I need to be with. So over the course of I don't know how long he was my boo and I wasn't until I had a serious conversation with him that I learned he may not be the one for me.

As I noticed my feelings were getting stronger for him, I also noticed how certain things started to bother me. I was over the waiting for text and calls back. I was annoying with the priority level I was on. I was highly upset at the things we did for "quality time spent together". And I started to feel nothing but more than a booty call of sorts. It was all fun and games until feelings get involved so I sat him down for a talk. Turns how he didn't want what I did. but he didn't want to lose me (guys kill me with that). So I had a decision to make and after talking to my sister about it and my kids dad wooing me again...smh, I dropped my tender-roni like a hot potato.

So years go by and after my horrible breakup with my kids father (definitely for good this time lol) I randomly and unexpectantly get poked on Facebook and guess who it is...my boo thang lol. I was flooded back with fun memories and cue our cute little convo of how its been so long and how he missed me. So when he asked about my relationship  and I give him the it just didn't work out line, he hits me back with the I should have just stayed with him. But wasn't you the one that didn't want a relationship????? Here we go again, but this time was it was different and that was because I was different. The last break up with my kids dad gave me a different view on what I want out of my next relationship and it definitely didn't include someone who is giving mixed vibes on what they wanted. We are to old for that and sure enough he started his flakiness straight out the gate. I knew it was a wrap and I'm happy I didn't really pursue anything with him this time around.

Things will never change unless we demand change and even then is it even worth it. Some relationships need to stay buried and be gone forever. Remember why it didn't work in the first place and evaluate if it's worth being a part of your life again. Can me and dude be friends....absolutely, but as far as a relationship....nah I'm good. It was fun while it lasted.

Are You Sabotaging Your Relationships?????

Being single I am excited to go on a new journey of dating and hopefully finding "The One". This got me thinking about a time when I was so worried if a guy would like me even though I'm fat. What would I have to change or do to make him like me? Will I have to do something I don't want to do to keep him? and so on. Through my years of finding myself I can say I have grown in regards to what I will accept in a mate and what I will do to please him without losing myself in the process.

I think it gets easier to date when you build confidence. Being confident with who you are will lead to how you will act in the dating world. Low self-esteem and confidence usually will land you in a unhappy relationship or alone. If you do things like avoiding social settings, introducing yourself to new people, dressing for the occasion or even turning men away that are interested, these are signs you need to work on your confidence and self-esteem and goes way beyond being shy.

Men can also see a lack of confidence in a woman. I hear men saying there's nothing sexier than the confidence in a woman and when its lacking it's definitely a turn off. Why get in your own way when finding love? If you are confident in yourself the men will be confident in you too. So what you are fat, who cares??????? If a man truly loves you, he will accept you for you and wouldn't want you to compromise who you are as a woman to make him happy. Embrace your body, be you and be fabulous.

It took me years to build the confidence I have and there isn't anything or anyone that can break it. I have not met a man that didn't love how confident I was. My motto is "I can get in line with the best of them." Being over weight has no limitations. I was the largest one in my dance group back in college but my weight never stopped me from learning and performing almost every dance.

Don't get in your way of finding love. How can a man love you if you don't love yourself. Confidence is key. It may take time but just know with confidence and a high self-esteem comes with a happier you.

You're in a Relationship......BUT He's Not!

Listening to the radio this morning, a woman calls in for advise about her relationship. She is seeing a man and just had a baby but technically/kind of/sort of/not really but really in a relationship with him. He wants her to be committed and faithful to him yet they don't have an official or titled relationship. So basically she's in a relationship but he is not. SMH!

I can however relate to her story. I have been where she is but ladies this is not a place where you want to be. We are often settling for a bullshit type of relationship just to be in a relationship and for what???? To say we have a man while behind closed doors you really don't. Men will only do to us what we allow. So while we sitting here staying faithful to a man that isn't doing the same, you are setting yourself up for heart break. If we don't put our initial needs on the table in the beginning, men will try and get away with everything they can.

It's crazy because through my own rollercoaster relationship with my children father, whom I've shared with you guys a few times before, I can say I am finally free from the stress, drama and frustration it caused. I allowed so many things throughout the 7 1/2 years that when I was finally done he couldn't believe it and I still can't believe that he doesn't understand why I cut all ties (besides the children). My sister had to remind me that I allowed so much throughout years that he wouldn't think this time would be any different and I can't blame him.

I understand what it is like to love a man and will just accept any piece of him he offers just to be with him. But what positive things are we really gaining from doing this???? There are none! When you hear someone saying "Know Your Worth" we really have to listen. We deserve nothing but respect, love, and everything you bring to the relationship the man should bring too. Think about it.... what will make you happy in your situation??????

 

KNOW YOUR WORTH LADIES!!!!!!!!! 

Big Women, Sex, and....The Problem

I was reading an article a friend shared on Facebook about a plus size woman having unprotected sex in fear that she couldn't not keep men any other way. It was a great article and one particular passage hit home for me...

"I really thought about where this sister was coming from. Being a single, full-figured diva myself, I understand the struggle. It’s real in these dating streets. We live in a world where a size 2 has a better chance of getting a date on a Friday night than a size 22. Men are visual creatures, and no matter how great your personality is, they all want a certain “type”. "

Oh how I know this feeling to well. Since I was in high school and actively dating, I went through and understand what that woman was coming from. It took a while for me to develop the confidence and self-esteem I have so in the beginning I was also a beggars cant be choosers type of girl. Now, I wasn't as careless as that young woman in regards to always having unprotected sex, but there were situations when I felt pressured and gave in.

Fat-shaming is real and it happens at any age which can lead people to do things they shouldn't and wouldn't normally do. It takes time to build confidence and self-esteem when you have felt so low about yourself. It can be a daily struggle to learn to accept and love yourself and your body regardless of your size. Not to mention the countless reminders we get daily about how we need to lose weight. The author gave great advise throughout the article and this was my favorite...

"But my most important message to her and all my Big Girls is this: no one will love you unless you love yourself. Yes, there are some “Shallow Hal’s” out there who will reject you at first glance. But most people are attracted to confidence. Wearing confidence and self-love is better than make-up, designer clothes, or a new hairstyle … it’s even better than Spanx. Heck, I can’t think of too many things better than Spanx! When you go out there fully armored with self-love and confidence, you’ll attract the guy you’re supposed to have."

Ladies never think and treat yourself like you are less than. You deserve nothing but the best and respect and always remember that.

Have Better Sex!!!!!!

Every women has insecurities about their bodies. There will always be something you hate about it or don't want another person to see. When it's time to be sexy or intimate your insecurities can lead to a disastrous night. I want to help you get out your comfort zone to bring out that inner sexy. The more you work on it the easier and more comfortable it will become.

1. Get familiar and explore your body. I say it all the time but looking at yourself naked often will help you accept it and love it. Everyday you should spend time in front of your mirror.
2. Gradually buy sexy clothes like lingerie or sexy pajamas. Try things with a silk or satin material. Feeling those materials against your skin will help bring out your inner sexy.
3. Maintain your feet and hands. You don't have to pay a lot of money for pedicures and manicures. Doing simple things like making sure there moisturized and nails are painted can keep you in a good mood.
4. Another thing that's gets my sexy going is music. I am heavily into all kinds of music and certain songs just puts me in a zone. Try listening to some R&B slow songs. Even some throwback old school music can put you in the right mood.
5. The most important thing is to get comfortable by yourself. We will all be a little uncomfortable from time to time when we are with a partner but being comfortable in your own skin will help.

It wont happen over night but don't let your issues with your body get in the way of intimacy. Every woman deserves to feel sexy. Work on these tips and you will be that much closer to bringing out your hotness.

5 Thing You Need to Know to Recoup After Heartbreak

I don't post often about relationships. but I am compelled to post about things in relationships that can effect the way we feel about ourselves. After considering what I should write about today I feel like I should share a few tips to help you get through a tough breakup. I recently ended a 7 year on and off again relationship with someone and through this roller coaster of love I have experienced many thing you all can relate to. Being that it is finally over I would love to share great tips to help you through your journey of moving on from a relationship.

1. Understand that you tried. If you know you pull in a great effort to make yo relationship work and it doesn't, YOU TRIED. Relationships are not 50%-50%, they are 100%-100% and both parties have to equally give their all.
2. It may be cliche but EVERYTHING DOES HAPPEN FOR A REASON. Not everyone is meant to be and this break may open the door for you to find your true love.
3. Sometimes it is them and not you. That line rings true sometimes. Maybe he wasn't ready for the same things you were ready for and that is ok.
4. Do not blame yourself if they cheated. That was decision that person made not you. If they were unhappy, cheating is never the answer. Cheating is a coward move NEVER blame yourself for others actions.
5. LIFE GOES ON! I know, I know it is easier said than done, but trust me you will survive and move on.

There is nothing worse than thinking less of yourself for a failed relationship and trust me I know what it is like to leave a very complicated relationship (including if children is involved). You should never sell yourself short for a relationship that is not making you happy and you should never risk your happy to be in a relationship. You want a better relationship you have to make the changes on your end to make sure find love with someone that is giving you what you need to be happy. Know your worth and never settle for less.

Pardon my Cellulite

 “This post is part of the October 2013 DailyVenusDiva 'Thrive In Your Curves' blog carnival.

If you can believe this is my first summer wearing shorts and short skirts a dresses...IT's TRUE. I was like many plus size women and was very insecure about showing my legs. I would just suffer through the summer heat in jeans or maxi dresses. This year was all about embracing the body I have regardless of what people may think. My thighs are covered with cellulite, but what's crazy is I had less cellulite when I was wearing jeans in the summer. It may not be appealing to some but I refuse to keep myself covered. I love my body and I am not afraid to show you who I am. Ladies it's ok to show off your arms or legs. EMBRACE THEM!!!

Style Info: I have worn this tank top before in a previous post (here) and some of you thought it was a cropped tank, but it is not. This is a men's tank but I loved it and had to get one. I don't wear sneakers often but having style is being able to switch it up without losing your spark. My boyfriend ended up wearing the same brand tee and sneakers as me (he wanted to be twins lol). It was just a fun day to kick back and chill.

Outfit Deets: Diamonds Tank: Zumies / Shorts: Rainbow / Sneakers: Jordans 

Don't Be in Love with Being in Love

Since I have been working on my inner self I have been doing a lot of thinking about what I look for in a man and relationship. This has not also came without trial and error. I've written a post before about plus size women and dating but this goes a little bit beyond that. My sister told me about a list she was told to write; about what she looks for in a mate including things that are an absolute must and some things that she prefers but isn't a deal breaker. I love that idea!

The things I accepted before, I will no longer tolerate in my relationships. Going through my on again off again relationship with my daughter's father has been tough but we are working on making it great. I also had an on and off again "dating" or "messing around" type of relationship for a couple years also with a guy. In each relationship I was always scared to speak up for certain things because I didn't want to run them off. I always wanted that great relationship like everyone else but I compromised my happiness for all these years just to be single again from time to time.

When you are in an actual boyfriend/girlfriend relationship always stand up for yourself and BE YOURSELF. Don't get lost in his world only making him happy and not you. Any man that truly loves you will love your regardless of your faults and will meet you half way in every aspect of the relationship. Now there are men that do love their woman but don't appreciate her or show her the love she needs until its too late. That happens so many times. They do the bare minimum to keep you but not enough to keep you happy. When the female gets tired of it and move one now they're hurt. Now they want to prove to you what kind of man they can be but its to late.

If a man can't be that man you need in the beginning way waist your time. I'm not talking about you wanting a man to be rich but a man that is rich in LIFE. The man that is a homie, lover, friend and has all the goals and aspirations that you look for in a husband. If he doesn't meet you half way or he doesn't posses the qualities you have on your list then move on. You CAN NOT change a man into what you want him to be.

Also when you decide to simply "mess" with someone set some standards with that as well. There is nothing wrong with that type of relationship but set some boundaries. Let him know he can't treat you like a doormat. The guy I used to see swore we didn't have a booty call type of relationship but he treated it like one. He only called at night and never answered his calls or text. All the while he wanted me to believe we had something more. So that last time we spoke I went off on him. I didn't want to be a booty call and I wasn't going to be one. Needless to say the calls stopped coming after that conversation and I was happy they did.

I am no longer into changing men or settling for less than I deserve because I want a companion. There is someone for everyone and that will happen in due time. All that silliness I fell for before will never happen again. I look back at how foolish I have been but it can't even say I was foolish. I was a girl in love with love and took any kind love that was given to me.

Stay strong ladies and know your worth. Your prince charming will be waiting for you at the right time. No need to waist any your time or life on a man that doesn't fit your life in the right way.